Aries (March 21 - April 19): If you go to a rave you run the risk of discovering that a new designer drug engineered to replace ecstasy is making the rounds of the party circuit. It's called agony.

Taurus (April 20 - May 21): In the cardboard box is a velvet bag with a gold braid drawstring. Inside the bag is a weathered but sturdy notebook. Contained within the notebook is a vellum bookmark, with directions to guide you to your heart's desire.

The box is in the trunk of your sister's car and getting closer to Halifax with every passing moment.

Gemini (May 22 - June 20): Don't read your e-mail this week. There's not going to be any bad news in it, but it's a bad habit that you should get out of.

Cancer (June 21 - July 23): Reading horoscopes is escapist behavior practiced by people who want to distance themselves from the ramifications of their actions and to live in a remote world devoid of cause-and-effect relationships. However, don't let any of that dissuade you from the knowledge that you will be enjoying a vacation in a warm place real soon. Honest.

Leo (July 24 - August 23): They say that if you hold a sneaker up to your ear you can hear the sound of the sweatshop.

Virgo (August 24 - September 23): If you play your life backwards you get Satanic messages, which are regretfully still a step up from what you get when you play it forwards.

Libra (September 24 - October 23): You are a small, unidentifiable part of a car found by the curb of a busy intersection. A small child picks that part up on the way back from school and finds a new use for it. What will that use be?

Scorpio (October 24 - November 22): The bike is too small and there are no brakes /but/ you're in a hurry and your destination is downhill all the way. Before you finalise your decision on how to get there, consider how Sysiphus would respond.

Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21): Someone you have never met is looking at your picture on the Internet at this very moment. Creeps the heck out of -me-...

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20): Authoritarian nations of the past imprisoned honest citizens for complaining. Authoritarian nations of the future will imprison dishonest citizens for saying that everything is all right.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 19): The next time you see someone you think you know but they don't recognize you, toss an apple at them unexpectedly. Which hand they catch with will assist you in determining which are the sinister doppelgangers among us.

Pisces (February 20 - March 20): Girders hold things up, straps hold things down, tongs hold things out, stifling holds things in, dividers hold things apart and glue holds things together. What do you hold?